No white flag

I have been slowly but surely working my way through Ally Hilfiger's nearly new book on her lifetime experience with Lyme Disease and it is increasingly empowering me and inspiring me to write more about my own ongoing experience with this retched disease as well as my past experiences with it. I want to write everyday. I really, really wish I had the energy and focus to do so. My blood counts are lowering once again, though, and I am fatigued more than ever.. Again.. It never ends! Will it ever end... ? I feel so pushed down, and stomped on, by something so small, so tiny, something that can not even be seen by the naked human eye. It is astounding! Really honestly incredible. But otherwise absolutely terrible. I feel as though I have nobody and nobody really cares enough to attempt understanding. My mother is the only one I have who doesn't seem increasingly bothered or annoyed whenever I speak of my struggles or pain. I just want, I just long, for somebody to hold me and tell me "It's going to be OK, Lys. You're going to be OK; We are going to be OK and we are going to keep pushing forward, together." Is this too much to ask for? Is that too big of a damn request? I push and I push and I... You guessed it: PUSH. I've still yet to rise my white flag and I don't want to. But I'm so damn tired! I'm getting too tired to go it alone. I'm getting too tired to help myself, help the others around me to not ever ask for help. I feel as though maybe I am still just too undeserving and unworthy to ask for help. It would take too much of their precious energy and time, and it would just be too much work. I would just become an even bigger burden, just another heavy weight put upon their shoulders to carry along with their own baggage!.... I think it's completely and utterly sick that this is how I think and feel about it all, actually. And it would almost probably sicken me right to death if I were to ever find out that this is how other people actually do think or feel about it all! I don't think I could handle it, non the less stomach it... Maybe this is just another useless rant of mine. Well, at least to anybody but me. It helps, a lot. I really should be doing more of this writing and way more often. I'm going to start attending to this spiritual, emotional, mental necessity of mine, though. I really will. I'll set aside at least a half hour a day to just get it all out. To just pour every last drop of desperation and hopelessness out of my poor mind, body and soul! But do you know what sometimes is even better than putting pen to paper or fingers to keys? Speaking it. To actually have somebody who cares enough to sit and listen, and let you fall apart right before their eyes, knowing they can't do a thing to save you except to just stay still, in the moment, and REALLY listen. That's so beautiful, to find somebody willing to. Somebody to reassure you that you are not indeed crazy or off your rocker, (Well, at least not as much as you think) but that you are a warrior. A soldier. Strong, and powerful! Unwilling to accept that you are or one day will be defeated by this! And this is a prime example of one of the many reasons I feel that us Lyme sufferers never be fucked with! What do we really have to lose? If we really wanted to, or felt reason to, we could pain you like you wouldn't believe. You see, we are survivors, warriors, soldiers, as I've mentioned above already. We have and continue to endure pain that the "average Joe" (so to speak) couldn't hardly imagine or fathom. Pain and suffering is our day job. We have almost an unlimited amount of anger, frustration, and desperation pent up beneath our surface and we are ready to explode at any second! And besides, what do we have to fear? Most of us have been through our very own worst nightmares for years upon years. And if there's anything we've learned along the way it is this: Life goes on. We will be OK. We will manage, and keep fighting. No matter what happens and how bad we think it is, we still have today and right now that is good enough. But anyway, let me stop myself because i think i'm digging a little too deep here. I tend to do that often, actually. I just can't help myself in the moment of it. What I am really meaning to say is: Don't give up. I know i'm not ready to just yet and I don't think I'll ever be.  I hope not. Because even after everybody around me has long abandoned me or pushed me away because they couldn't handle the pressure, I'll still have one person on my side! And that's me.